I Wonder

iwonder

What do I wonder about? I wonder WHY there seems to be so many screenwriting gurus who aren’t really screenwriting gurus at all?

Rather than teach you how to write a professional level spec screenplay, they are instead, trying to teach you how to maneuver the straits of Hollywood.

As I first started to see this NEW screenwriting niche beginning to take root, I figured sure… Some people can probably use this shit. Whom you ask? Screenwriters that have ALREADY learned how to write a professional level screenplay.

But how do you know WHOM you are?

Well, it appears with this new screenwriting niche, IT DOESN’T MATTER.

But here’s what REALLY PISSES ME OFF… Lots of producers, screenwriters, agents, managers, etc. are getting in on this new screenwriting niche. Now some of you might not know what the fuck I’m even talking about so let me clue you in… I’m talking about a few people out there purporting to be the Tony Robbins of the screenwriting world.

In other words…

It’s all in your fucking head. Even IF you have a great fuckin’ screenplay you’re gonna FAIL. Why? Because you’re not THINKING like a successful producer, manager, agent, blah blah blah FUCKING BLAH!

Jesus H. Christ… Do we really all have to think alike and act alike to sell a fucking screenplay?

Nope.

Don’t take my word for it but here’s the recipe to the SECRET SAUCE… Write a GREAT FUCKING SCREENPLAY. Then write another one. And another. Do that and success will come EVEN if you don’t ACT like a successful producer. Even if you don’t ACT like a successful agent. Even if you don’t act like the Tony Robbins of Hollywood.

Another THING I fucking wonder about with these guys AND YOU KNOW WHO THE FUCK YOU ARE is this…

Why aren’t you making sure the people that pay for your “SERVICES” can already write a profesional level screenplay? I mean, why put the cart before the horse?

Oh yeah…

CHA-CHING! Money.

I’ve watched some of these videos from some of these gurus and it makes me want to puke. And the prices they charge… They suck you in with the less than $100 a month price and then slowly reel you in month after month after month and then SET THE HOOK with an upsell that costs a few grand.

WOW!

And none of this shit guarantees SHIT. None of this guarantees that it will flop your screenwriting ass down in front of even ONE heavy-hitter that can even make a fucking decision.

Why?

Why the hell can’t they guarantee that?

Because the bottom line is that you still need to be able to write a fucking screenplay that ROCKS!

Do that and you don’t need these guys… Focus on the writing and your efforts will pay off. Cave in to the DELUSION that your writing is ALREADY UP TO PAR and take these online classes, courses, webinars, whatever and see what happens…

Unk

Wednesday: 21 April 2010|1930|Under Bullshit

33 Comments 

It’s settled…

fuck-hollywoodI’m definitely moving to Arizona…

Probably Scottsdale. Turns out that a good percentage of those working in the business already live out there and commute to Los Angeles day to day or they head out to Scottsdale to chill on the weekends.

But that’s just the icing on the cake… The real reason I’ll try to move out there before the end of the year is because of Arizona’s new law that allows you to carry a concealed weapon.

If you read the very bottom of the article, it says…

“Critics worry it will lead to more shootings as people with less training have more access to guns.”

Cool. I’ve always thought I was born a hundred years too late so here’s my chance to get back to basics. Not only that but WOW… Arizona just fuckin’ does what it wants to and fuck everyone else.

You gotta love that even if you don’t agree with it…

Or not.

But seriously… Last month I had reason to hold up in Scottsdale for a few days and I couldn’t believe how many people out there are in the business. And NOT the usual people I happen to meet in Los Angeles either. Definitely higher up on the totem pole than the usual burrito eating wiseguy.

So where are we at?

I apologize to those of you who keep sending me emails literally begging for something new on the site. It’s been a year since my brother took his life and I just couldn’t help but relive the events just before and after which pretty much made me more of a hermit than usual.

I’ve also had some strange shit happen to me since that fateful day that has made me really reevaluate EVERYTHING going on in my life. The good news (at least for me) is that I’m still alive and kickin’. Not writing as much as I would like but that should be changing very soon.

For those of you that have asked me about my spec that I mentioned awhile back… Good to go. Although it’s still going to take a year or two to go into production, all that is solid now.

I’m glad I went through the old marketing experience again… I feel like that experience really let me feel the current pulse of Hollyweird i.e., nobody can make a decision. Everybody wants to know what everybody else is doing before they do it too. Unfortunately, Hollywood continues to reboot and remake movies in rabid fashion instead of doing something original except of course for the very few fairly original concepts that somehow manage to sneak through.

Distribution is still a problem… Getting a little better here and there but I find it interesting that a lot those who worked for the Yari Film Group ended up at The Film Department and are still having problems getting off the ground.

But something tells me that things might be getting back to NORMAL if the Weinstein brothers can manage to get Miramax back even though insiders who no longer work for the dynamic duo say that they’ve been seriously reevaluating the way they make and buy movies. And even if that is true, another something tells me that Harvey is gonna fucking do what Harvey wants to do even IF Ron Burkle is the actual owner.

And I like that… Without the REAL Miramax, Hollywood sucks even more than usual… At least to ME.

Good news for Ultra low budget indie filmmakers… $250k is the new $2.5 Mil but as usual… The only the only thing certain in filmmaking is the script.

Is anyone else out there besides me excited about the new futures market where you’ll be able to wager whether certain movies will do better or worse than expected? I mean hell… Just the fact that this idea has the MPAA up in arms makes it really attractive to me. Not to mention the fact that I’ve been predicting weekend box office for a very long time with a fairly high success rate over the years so why not make some additional cash on this ability? Kinda reminds me of handicapping the horses but a whole hell of a lot easier since I’m already doing the research.

Just remember… In a lot of cases, STAR POWER IS DOWN. I like that too. In many MANY cases, those actors that were commanding up to $5 Mil a pic just can’t do that in today’s economy. I just wish it would hit some of those sitting up high on the per pic rollercoaster. Many of these actors are quite simply afraid to make a movie right now on the off chance that it dies at the box office because if it dies, so does their box office pull and so does their per pic take.

So in a lot of ways, the economy is having a very interesting effect on the BIZ. Most of which I like but only time will tell.

I guess a lot of you might be doing your last minute polishes for the Nicholl… One of the few screenwriting competitions actually worth entering. Good luck!

Back to it.

Unk

Monday: 19 April 2010|2038|Under Rants

17 Comments 

What’s An Old Screenwriter To Do?

Whew… I guess I am one moody son of a bitch. So thanks for all the kind words from everyone wanting or maybe even — dare I say it? NEEDING a blog post from me?

Except of course for those that write to me every six months and complain about my use of CAPPED words and of course the dreaded LOL. Yeah, that’s right… Readers send me emails to complain about my use of CAPS and LOL. Makes you wonder… Makes ME wonder all kinds of things but I won’t bore you with that.

So long time reader, Elver sent me an email yesterday and inquired as to why I hadn’t written anything lately… Little did I know that he was going to post about it over on his site. Geez, after reading his post, I felt kinda guilty for explaining my new feelings about the film industry. I’m certainly not done with it but I gotta tell ya…

Things SUCK.

Now this isn’t whining… It’s simply an observation and it could be time to regroup and figure something out.

Or not.

What I’m talking about are of course the Studios. It doesn’t take but a fucking perusal of your local cinemaplex to figure out what’s playing. Studio fare and sure… I don’t mind some studio fare here and there but let’s face fucking facts… The Studios didn’t make this SCHLOCK for me.

Nope.

They made it for the current ticket-buying demographic. Kids. And I don’t want to get into a pissing contest about films like AVATAR, okay? It’s just not worth the trouble for anyone to defend a film like that… It’s just not made for me. So I didn’t go see it. In fact, for the first time in my life, I want to watch a pirated version of a movie… LOL.

Oops.

But I’m not going to do that even though I know where all the good sites are.

But yesterday I had a defining moment… I don’t know why it hit me so hard but it did… It has to do with a spec script I have that’s been making the rounds. I shouldn’t complain because I’ve had a few offers and even an offer to direct because the script reads much like a shooting script except that it still reads fast. And let that be a reminder to you… It’s all in the presentation.

Anyway… I get an email yesterday out of the blue. It goes a little something like this…

Hi (insert my name here), you don’t know me but my name is (insert his name here) and I’m a producer over here at (insert name of prodco here). We just finished reading (insert name of my script here) and we really like it! In fact, we just finished reading it and we’d like to sit down with you and discuss the possibility of you making several changes for us.

Thanks,

(insert his name here)

Huh? First of all, that sounds as if they bought it… They didn’t. So I dug up my little marketing log that I keep on each script and went down the line… Nope. Never sent it to (insert name of prodco here). That always pisses me off when people contact me about one of my screenplays I didn’t send to them but there are worse things in life. So I replied back to this email…

(insert his name here),

I don’t mind having a sit down with you guys but can you tell me how you got hold of my script? I don’t have an agent — don’t have a manager — so I know they didn’t send it to you. And before I agree to a meeting, can you give me some kind of idea of the kinds of the changes you’re talking about? Because to be frank… I like it a lot the way it is.

Sincerely,

(insert my name here)

And it didn’t take long… (insert his name here) replied back to me in less than five minutes…

(insert my name here),

Well you may not know this but the current trend of the industry is geared toward a much younger audience. [NO SHIT SHERLOCK!] We want you to turn your female protagonist into a much younger twenty-something male. Audiences aren’t too hot on female protagonists during this economical climate.

Thanks,

(insert his name here)

Ah… This was getting interesting because this particular screenplay actually has co-protagonists — one male — one female and I give the male slightly more story time so if you squint your eyes a certain way, you can definitely see that he is the Protagonist. I’ll admit that it’s dicey but I give the NOD to the guy.

What made this email even more perplexing is that NOW there would be a guy and a guy if I were to succumb to this request… And what makes that even MORE perplexing is that the guy and the girl eventually get together… LOL. I mean we are talking MAJOR REWRITE HERE. So then I got online and did some research since this guy emailing me was using a hotmail account instead of production company email address. He mentioned the prodco he works with so I looked him up. Looked him up on IMDB… A couple of subscription sites. Within a half hour, I see that this guy is an actor, also in his twenties, and really hasn’t gotten any real credits but that’s okay… I just needed to know this. I have no problem with someone not having credits but it does give me a baseline of information to start from.

So I email him back…

Yo (insert his name here),

Believe it or not, I am fairly knowledgeable about the film industry and the current trend… Are you sure you read the script though? Changing the female to a much younger male makes absolutely no sense unless of course you guys want to end up with a gay couple at the end of the film and if you do, thanks but no thanks.

But I do have a question… You mind me asking what YOUR connection is to (insert name of prodco here)?

(insert my name here)

Now before you think I have a problem with gay stories… I don’t. I just didn’t happen to write one and at this point after having not accepted multiple offers previously mentioned, why in the hell should I even consider this possibility now?

But he emails me  back right away…

(insert my name here),

No, we aren’t looking for that kind of change… We want the entire story to revolve around a twenty-something male. You’d have to rewrite a lot of it to make it work. Would you be willing to do that? The actor we have in mind is (insert name of actor here). You can find him on IMDB here: (insert IMDB link here).

(insert his name here)

So I look up the actor whose name sounded vaguely familiar in my mind but I couldn’t place him. Once I see him on IMDB, he’s even younger than what I thought he was going to look like. At this point I’m really starting to wonder if they read the fucking screenplay. I start to actually consider how I would rewrite it for this guy… Trust me, you’d all know him if you saw him. Apparently, somebody really wants to push this guy into the limelight as most of his parts have been supporting roles.

And then just as fast as I started to consider a rewrite I said, “FUCK YOU GUYS” out loud.

Why?

Because here is a fucking twenty-something producer with no credit and no fucking experience telling me the current trend of the film industry and wondering why a screenwriter isn’t chomping at the bit to make said changes. No offense to the twenty-somethings out there meant but don’t piss on my back and tell me it’s raining.

So I wrote him back…

(insert his name here),

I took at look at (insert name of actor here) on IMDB and I gotta tell ya… I don’t think we can do business. I would be happy to write an entirely new screenplay around this guy but I can’t support these kinds of changes to (insert name of screenplay here). Tell you what… You guys go make some movies that actually make some fucking money and then come back and talk to me.

Sincerely,

(insert my name here)

Naaah. He didn’t reply back. LOL. But the entire incident did make me fucking WONDER what the FUCK is going on in Hollywood.

Fuck it.

Pass the Top Ramen.

Unk

Friday: 5 February 2010|1739|Under Rants, Screenwriting

51 Comments 

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