Outlaws just aren’t outlaws anymore… I’ve been tagged!
Posted on July 22, 2007
Filed Under Uncategorized
So yeah, most of the time, I ride a motorcycle… Riding a motorcycle just about anywhere these days can be a high-risk adventure… Take today for instance… I’m on my way to my favorite coffee shop to sip on Americanos all day long but sure enough… Another dramatic event happens to me along the way.
Now don’t get me wrong… I’m a pretty nice guy and I normally have an extremely long fuse but when you grow up the way I grew up, you tend NOT to let people get away with too much shit.
I’m riding my bike down a simple two-lane boulevard when up ahead of me, I see another fairly large guy on what my guess is of course a Harley-Davidson… Looks like a modified Fatboy which is cool.
I don’t ride cruising-style motorcycles… I like to go fast when I need to and while cruisers are quite comfortable, I just can’t get fucking used to them.
Now I need to preface the motorcycle rider creed a bit before I go on… I don’t know where it started but as long as I’ve been riding motorcycles on the road, motorcycle riders have been giving nods and or waves to each other since I can remember… I’m sure it started way before my time and I for one am happy to continue the tradition.
And I do.
So there I am… Riding down the boulevard and ahead of me, Mr. Wanna-Be Outlaw Biker… I only say this NOW because of what happened… I of course get ready to throw him the usual low-profile wave with my gloved hand and what does he do?
He rides past me FLIPPING ME OFF.
“Hmmm,” I think… and flip a U-ie right there and follow the guy into a friggin KMart parking lot… He doesn’t even notice me but I’ve got him in my sights… He’s putting along, trying to locate a parking spot where I suspect, his bike will be the safest…
Neither one of us is wearing a helmet because we’re not in California at the moment… He’s got a red bandana, some kind of black t-shirt, black leather vest, black gloves, big black boots… You know the drill… All the usual, “I’m a bad Motherfucker” garb. I on the other hand am wearing an old Navy ballcap, a gray Navy t-shirt, a pair of olive drab Keens and camo knee-lenth shorts. Yeah, I’m dressed for summer and I know to HIM, I don’t especially look too menacing hence, he flips me the BIRD. LOL.
I scoot right on up to him on my bike… Leave it running and walk over to him. He doesn’t see me until I’m almost on him. Then he turns around. I don’t wait for him to speak, I just say, “Hey Motherfucker, what’s your fuckin’ problem?”
Now this guy is wider than me (not by much) and about a head taller and I can immediately tell he’s used to getting his own way because of his size EXCEPT when normal-size motherfuckers decide not to take his shit…
He puts his hands up — starts backing up, “Hey, I don’t want any trouble, Man…”
“I just wanna know why you flipped me off, Asshole.”
“I thought you were riding a rice-burner.”
“Huh?”
“A rice-burner. Most guys riding crotch-rockets are riding rice-burners. You’re riding a Buell! Sorry, I didn’t know.”
A word of explanation here…
Buell Motorcycles is in fact a division of Harley-Davidson Motorcycles. It’s for those of us who want to ride American but enjoy the nimble handling of a sport bike and TRUST ME… A Buell Firebolt owns the turns.
“So you just make it a habit of flipping off guys that ride rice-burners?”
“Uh… Yeah, I do.”
“Well I think you might want to be a little more careful… I almost sent you to the hospital. Or do you still wanna go?”
“Uh… No… No, I don’t.”
So in my cloud of testosterone, I sense he doesn’t want any and I turn around to go back to my bike… Biker Dude says, “I love Buells, Man!”
I flick it into first gear and motor out of the KMart parking lot… I didn’t want him to miss the Blue Light Special.
So now I am sipping on my Americano… And it’s just right. Americano on the right hand side of my ‘puter and a glass of Pepsi on the left with a day’s supply of CornNuts and Nature Valley Granola Bars.
But before I get to work…
The World’s Greatest Writerest tagged me and I never back down from a challenge…
This tag is a little different from what I’ve read before… Eight random facts or habits about themselves… Hmmm. Could be scary.
- I used to race motorcycles professionally.
- All my Mom’s friends used to hit on me when I was a kid. Some of them succeeded.
- I own three four-wheel drive vehicles.
- I like to eat breakfast late at night — early in the morning.
- I can cook anything and you’ll love it.
- I hate cell phones and beepers.
- I like to drive long distances and work out all my story problems with a digital recorder. Sometimes I end up in little towns all over the United States and meet very interesting people.
- I NEVER sweat the LOAD.
And since the Scribosphere is so fucking quiet lately… Let’s get it going with some more tagging… Don’t be a lightweight… Accept the CHALLENGE! 8 (EIGHT) random facts or habits about yourself… Stick it on your blog so we can all read it and weep…
Or laugh.
I’m TAGGING:
- MM (again… Hehehe.)
- MaryAnita (again… Sorry)
- Fun Joel (hey, that’s what you get for making a comment here)
- Dave (hiatus my ASS!)
- Josh (you’re not skating away that easy)
- Bill (I don’t even know if you ever come here but I figure we’re both from NorCal… So maybe you’ll help a brother out)
- Julie (I just wanna know more random stuff about you)
- SS (Surprised? Let’s hear the smack…)
Don’t wuss out on us now… I know people.
Unk
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18 Responses to “Outlaws just aren’t outlaws anymore… I’ve been tagged!”
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Done!
Damn it!
I didn’t race bikes professionally, but I owned a rice-bike (Kaw 750) until I moved to the big apple . . . I knew all the terminology you threw at me.
In fact, my MFA thesis (for performance) was a one man show called BUILT FOR ABUSE - about the connection between men, motorcycles and masculinity.
My little bro still lives in Iowa, rides a Harley and his band plays STURGES just quite often.
I miss riding motorcycles, I really do. This is why I want to come out and work for you. I want to get a Norton and drive out to see ya . . .
Damn, so another set of random facts. I’m running out of info, I’m not that interesting a person, really . . . sigh. Okay, it’ll be up tomorrow.
Unk, don’t hate me for riding the rice-bike . . . my wife is Japanese, after all - LOL!
Josh,
I wave to EVERYONE no matter what they ride… LOL.
Unk
Josh,
Weird. Your second post came up first so replied to that one…
I actually raced Motocross back in the 70s and 80s. What was at one time called the Open Class i.e., the monster bikes… Turned Pro at 16 and tried to keep going but this neat little thing happened right around 74/75… The bike manufacturers invented deeper suspension… Longer forks — longer shock(s) = about 3 to 4 more inches of suspension.
And I had no money and back then, unless you were in a huge national race, all you could make was about $300 for a first place win. Not enough to buy a new bike…
Started off on Bultacos… Moved on to Maicos. I was always about 3 to 4 years behind in equipment as were many privateers back then. Lived in an old ‘66 Dodge van and hit the road.
I remember eating a lot of 25 cent chilidogs at Wienerschnitzel when I was lucky enough to find one… LOL. To drink, I made Kool-Aid pink lemonade in a gallon milk jug… I remember stopping in random neighborhoods as I was driving and asking to borrow a cup of sugar for the lemonade. LOL.
And people gave it to me…
Unk
Yeah, back then you could do that, just knock on a door and borrow sugar . . .
Living in a van doin’ motocross in the seventies? Dude, total movie right there, a motocross merc, much better than the Lords of Doggtown, dig?
We should do it - LOL!
My stepfather, in Iowa, fixes old bikes as a hobby and sells em on ebay . . . when I got enough cash saved up and moved away from the city, he’s gonna help me find a Norton.
He also told me Steve McQueens old bike is in a museum in Iowa, I’m definitely gonna check it out.
[...] tagged me again with 8 random facts or habits about myself via Outlaws just aren’t outlaws anymore… I’ve been tagged! and since he offered it up as a challenge, you know I’m up for it ’cause I ain’t [...]
Unk, you’re gonna be the next Chuck Norris, dude. Believe you me. Personally, I’m more a Vespa/Golf-Cart kinda guy (both to be worn with Khakis or plaid shorts), but bikes are pretty cool. Did you know that Steve McQueen was a student of Chuck Norris? It’s all on Chuck’s website. You should get that Delta Force bike, and the next time someone flips you the bird, you can just vaporize him with heat-seeking missiles.
Spat… The guy that owns the coffee shop that I frequent just bought a ‘68 Vespa all original for $2500 and it’s pretty awesome especially when you consider it gets over a 100 miles a gallon.
Hey, I met Steve McQueen once at Saddleback Park in the 70s…
The park had a monster hill known as the MATTERHORN and only a very small percentage of people could actually get their bike up and over…
One day, between motos, I got the urge to give it a shot… So I did.
It was a pain in the ass but I eventually made it over.
When I got up there, there was a guy in the middle of a small open section leaning up against his Husqvarna 400…
I rode up to the guy — and when I got right up to him, recognized him right away…
Steve McQueen himself!
Drinking a can of Coors beer… He says, “You made it!”
I said, “It was touch and go.”
He extends his can of Coors to me… “Take a swig. You earned it.”
I took a swig and handed it back to him. He downed the rest of the can… Smashed it up — stuck it inside his leathers — started his bike up.
“See ya around,” he says…
I just hung there in amazement and watched him motor over the top of the hill…
Stunned.
True story.
Unk
Unk,
That’s THE FUCKING END OF THE MOVIE!
Sweet Jesus, Steve McQueen gave you a swig of Coors? What else does a moto-head need in life? Corporate sponsorship? Trophies? Money?
Fuck that, the KING OF COOL gave you respect and A SWIG OF HIS COORS!
Holy shit. That’s a fuckin’ story . . . Unk, for real . . . you gotta write that shit.
1)Love this blog and read it a lot. 2)I’m glad to know that I’m not the only one working out storylines on a bike. 3)I’m strictly a passenger, but with 4)all the driving I do a sweet ride with my husband is super relaxing. He’s been a biker for 30 years and just got a new superglide
5)I think the bike movie mentioned here sounds great, 6)I’d see it in a NY nanosecond. Too bad the Harley guy was such an ass. We’re supposed to treat ALL bikers the same 7)(We do). 8) i’ll be back. Tah
I just listened to your post with the Odiogo and was cracked up, Unk.
Especially, “‘Hey Motherfucker, what’s your fuckin’ problem?’”
My husband just got rid of his bike, a crotch rocket. 0-60 in 2 seconds. Gotta love that. He just couldn’t enjoy it anymore because of the crazy drivers out on the road.
Yo Unk my meme is done. Now back off, punk. hehehe
Jesus Unk! Steve fuckin’ McQueen?! I might have to start sacrificing small mammals to you.
Josh,
I’ve been dicking around with that story for years… It doesn’t have legs yet but you never know…
I also had a run-in with someone who was believed to be the real Zodiac Killer back in the 70s… This one has legs… LOL.
Julie,
Welcome!
KillerDollie,
I keep getting emails asking me if that’s really me talking… LOL.
I just keep replying back… “Sure it is.”
SS,
Backing off isn’t my style… LOL.
Nicolle,
Yup. I drank after THE MAN… Or is it The Cincinati Kid?
Unk
LOL! This sounds like the kind of stupid shit my husband is always getting himself into. He used to race motorcycles & cars…ex-mechanic, built race cars…
One of my fave stories:
He’s riding a Honda scooter(yes a SCOOTER!) minding his own business when a guy in a sedan purposely cuts him off, forcing him to slam on his brakes. Pisses the shit out of Steve. He races up to the guy, pulls up next to him & starts banging on the window.
“Fucking asshole! Motherfucker! Get out of the car, asshole!” etc etc…
And then Steve says:
“Just because I’m riding a scooter doesn’t mean i won’t kick your fucking ass!!!”
I love that line. Always cracks me up.
“Just because I’m riding a scooter doesn’t mean i won’t kick your fucking ass!!!”
I swear I’m gonna use it in a script some day. :-)
Steve is 6′4″ with shoulder as wide as a bus, so the guy DID NOT get out of his car.
Unk,
Maybe not as a screenplay, but it’s make a hell’ve a book, don’t you think?
My 10 Secrets….
http://sex-in-a-sub.blogspot.com/2007/08/10-secrets-about-bill.html