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An email from Tabre…

At request, I’m sticking up one of my many fan’s emails here… I’m assuming this is just some kid blowing off some steam but hey… I could be wrong. Makes you love the Internet… Mind you, this isn’t the worst but it is one of the most amusing.

The email:

Dear Unk,

If I spell your name on a piece of paper and put an f in front of it then take out the n and then stick YOU after it you will then know how I fill about you. I watched SA 4 times now. It jest gets better withe age. All my firends seen it 2 and they love it. But anuff about that unk. We gunna come find you an cap yer ass. yeah, wach out. We mean it. We got some hackers working on yer address and it turns out we probly live right down the road fromyou.

Joe’s the man always going to be the man. He writes like nobody’s business and he shares a lot on his site about this. Yer jest pssing and moning cuz hes on top and yer on bottom. SA goning to top a hundred mil you know it and i know it so fuck you. We will be waching you on the 405 mahfucka. Dont be suprised when we zing a cap right thru yer forhed.

Course you can takeit all back and we be frends. Besides you stole yer name from one of our brothers.

Tabre

My answer to Tabre:

Tabre,

I really appreciate you taking the time out of your busy gang-banging schedule to contact me again about SMOKIN’ ACES. Or should I say, gang-bang wanna-be motherfucker? At least that’s what you sound like to me… I suggest you pull your fucking pants up (maybe even get a fucking belt), turn your ballcap around, brush your fucking teeth and get a job.

That’s right… Turn the fucking cellphone off… Throw the beeper out the window and go open a fucking book for God’s sake. Like Ray Liotta’s character in PHOENIX said to Giovanni Ribisi’s character… If not some Dostoyevsky, then maybe some Mark Twain?

If you can’t get a job, you might want to take an English refresher class and learn how to spell. I’m sure Joe would want you to be REPRESENTIN’ the best you can…

I WAS going to sit here and attempt to explain to you what I thought went wrong with SMOKIN’ ACES but I can see that would be a futile attempt at best so let’s just agree to disagree here… Can’t we all just get along, Tabre?

No?

Okay. Not a problem. Be seeing you on the 405. My shit’s under the seat. Look for the YELLOW HUMMER with UNK on the license plate.

Have a nice day,

The Unknown Screenwriter

—Now after rereading this I guess I was too hard on old Tabre and if he sees fit to email me again or post a comment, I’ll be happy to apologize. Stick to the Dostoyevsky. I also want to apologize to anyone out there driving a Yellow Hummer with UNK on the license plate. LOL.

Unk

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Thursday: 29 March 2007|1205|Under Uncategorized

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Comments

19 Responses to “An email from Tabre…”

  1. Ann Wesley Hardin on Thursday: 29 March 2007|1254

    *clap clap clap*

    I fill for ya Unk, I really do. And I’m glad I don’t have a yellow hummer. LMAO. You be bad.

    More, more, more! Yeah, I know. You’ve still got a rewrite to finish and I s’pose I should be kickin’ yer ass instead of making you come out to play. Whatev. This is fun!

  2. Frank on Thursday: 29 March 2007|1301

    As strange as it sounds, I feel badly for Mr. Tabre. He probably spent the whole day crafting his missive, yet it is bearly readable. Imagine the impact he could have had if he had only used a dictionary and a grammar guide.

    Frank

  3. MaryAn on Thursday: 29 March 2007|1311

    Did you email him a dictionary?

  4. Unk on Thursday: 29 March 2007|1313

    MaryAn,

    Yeah, an Urban Dictionary.

    Unk

  5. Ann Wesley Hardin on Thursday: 29 March 2007|1339

    I actually use an online Urban Dictionary. Check it out. Here’s the definition for P’Unk’d

  6. Ann Wesley Hardin on Thursday: 29 March 2007|1341

    Crap. The link doesn’t work. No fair!

    If I’ve said it once…GET an EDIT function!

  7. Frank on Thursday: 29 March 2007|1438

    Here, try this one:

    http://www.urbandictionary.com/

  8. $1000 on Thursday: 29 March 2007|1537

    UNK

    If I take your name and put a F in front of it, it spells your true nature.

    Admit it, admit it, you still listen to D.I.S.C.O

    You flare wearin’ mutha!

  9. Ann Wesley Hardin on Thursday: 29 March 2007|1543

    Fill the night fevah, night fe-va-ha, we know how to do it!

    It’s official. I have no life.

  10. Joshua James on Thursday: 29 March 2007|1720

    Jesus, Unk . . . maybe I been too easy on you - LOL!

    Really tho’, can I get in this fight? Delete if you don’t want me involved, Unk . . .

    Okay, Tabre, or Fabre, whatever . . . Seriously tho’, Tabre, is that your name? Doesn’t sound like a name, sounds like a shit-stain . . . Tabre, uh . . . you’re obviously some kid with pimples and maybe three pubic hairs who has never been touched in those special places in that special way by someone special . . . so you get your rocks off via movies with lots of bang bang, boom-boom and very little story and you get soooo angry when someone criticizes your special imaginary friends . . .

    Tabre, it’s a movie, you asshole. Leave Obi-Wan Unk alone . . . don’t make me get all squinty-eyed at ya . . . I no scared of punk trolls.

  11. Ann Wesley Hardin on Thursday: 29 March 2007|1727

    Tabre knows his military shit.

  12. Poke on Thursday: 29 March 2007|1804

    I almost want to write some eloquent hate mail just to try and give Unk some hope. Of course, that would require me to be eloquent.

    Poke

  13. James on Thursday: 29 March 2007|2229

    Too funny.

  14. The Moviequill on Friday: 30 March 2007|0512

    I think FUCK is the only word he spelled right

  15. Mike on Friday: 30 March 2007|0925

    Yo, Unk!

    U serious? This boi be a rizzle shiznit. How this bo janglin’ wanksta get hooked up to your blog? Da homie can barely rite, means he can barely read (his hoodrat boo pro’ly reads 4 him). Careful on the 405 tho–that wanksta pro’ly strapped up and ready to school ya. Ur whip armor plated?
    Payce dawg,

  16. Ann Wesley Hardin on Friday: 30 March 2007|1018

    Instead of hate email, Unk should label it w’unksta mail.

  17. Clayton Harper on Friday: 30 March 2007|1138

    I am crying with tears of laughter.

    That exchange was the highlight of my day.

  18. Khid on Friday: 30 March 2007|1215

    Just when I thought my luck couldn’t get any better, I get to read this.

    Hilarity at it’s freaking BEST.

  19. Unk on Friday: 30 March 2007|1514

    Ann,

    It’s okay… Many writers are html challenged… LOL.

    Frank,

    I think that’s the dictionary Tabre has under his pillow… Next to the Glock. LOL.

    $1000,

    A little ABBA never hurt anybody… LOL.

    Josh,

    Tear’em up.

    Ann,

    Tabre can’t even fucking spell M I L I T A R Y .

    Poke,

    Try.

    James,

    I get to laugh at stuff like this at least 4 or 5 times a day… Sometimes MORE.

    MovieQuill,

    What the PHuck?

    Mike,

    I don’t get it. LOL.

    Ann,

    Did you forget to take your meds again?

    Clayton,

    Always glad to ENTERTAIN… LOL.

    Khid,

    Glad you fill me.

    Unk

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