What’s An Old Screenwriter To Do?

Whew… I guess I am one moody son of a bitch. So thanks for all the kind words from everyone wanting or maybe even — dare I say it? NEEDING a blog post from me?

Except of course for those that write to me every six months and complain about my use of CAPPED words and of course the dreaded LOL. Yeah, that’s right… Readers send me emails to complain about my use of CAPS and LOL. Makes you wonder… Makes ME wonder all kinds of things but I won’t bore you with that.

So long time reader, Elver sent me an email yesterday and inquired as to why I hadn’t written anything lately… Little did I know that he was going to post about it over on his site. Geez, after reading his post, I felt kinda guilty for explaining my new feelings about the film industry. I’m certainly not done with it but I gotta tell ya…

Things SUCK.

Now this isn’t whining… It’s simply an observation and it could be time to regroup and figure something out.

Or not.

What I’m talking about are of course the Studios. It doesn’t take but a fucking perusal of your local cinemaplex to figure out what’s playing. Studio fare and sure… I don’t mind some studio fare here and there but let’s face fucking facts… The Studios didn’t make this SCHLOCK for me.

Nope.

They made it for the current ticket-buying demographic. Kids. And I don’t want to get into a pissing contest about films like AVATAR, okay? It’s just not worth the trouble for anyone to defend a film like that… It’s just not made for me. So I didn’t go see it. In fact, for the first time in my life, I want to watch a pirated version of a movie… LOL.

Oops.

But I’m not going to do that even though I know where all the good sites are.

But yesterday I had a defining moment… I don’t know why it hit me so hard but it did… It has to do with a spec script I have that’s been making the rounds. I shouldn’t complain because I’ve had a few offers and even an offer to direct because the script reads much like a shooting script except that it still reads fast. And let that be a reminder to you… It’s all in the presentation.

Anyway… I get an email yesterday out of the blue. It goes a little something like this…

Hi (insert my name here), you don’t know me but my name is (insert his name here) and I’m a producer over here at (insert name of prodco here). We just finished reading (insert name of my script here) and we really like it! In fact, we just finished reading it and we’d like to sit down with you and discuss the possibility of you making several changes for us.

Thanks,

(insert his name here)

Huh? First of all, that sounds as if they bought it… They didn’t. So I dug up my little marketing log that I keep on each script and went down the line… Nope. Never sent it to (insert name of prodco here). That always pisses me off when people contact me about one of my screenplays I didn’t send to them but there are worse things in life. So I replied back to this email…

(insert his name here),

I don’t mind having a sit down with you guys but can you tell me how you got hold of my script? I don’t have an agent — don’t have a manager — so I know they didn’t send it to you. And before I agree to a meeting, can you give me some kind of idea of the kinds of the changes you’re talking about? Because to be frank… I like it a lot the way it is.

Sincerely,

(insert my name here)

And it didn’t take long… (insert his name here) replied back to me in less than five minutes…

(insert my name here),

Well you may not know this but the current trend of the industry is geared toward a much younger audience. [NO SHIT SHERLOCK!] We want you to turn your female protagonist into a much younger twenty-something male. Audiences aren’t too hot on female protagonists during this economical climate.

Thanks,

(insert his name here)

Ah… This was getting interesting because this particular screenplay actually has co-protagonists — one male — one female and I give the male slightly more story time so if you squint your eyes a certain way, you can definitely see that he is the Protagonist. I’ll admit that it’s dicey but I give the NOD to the guy.

What made this email even more perplexing is that NOW there would be a guy and a guy if I were to succumb to this request… And what makes that even MORE perplexing is that the guy and the girl eventually get together… LOL. I mean we are talking MAJOR REWRITE HERE. So then I got online and did some research since this guy emailing me was using a hotmail account instead of production company email address. He mentioned the prodco he works with so I looked him up. Looked him up on IMDB… A couple of subscription sites. Within a half hour, I see that this guy is an actor, also in his twenties, and really hasn’t gotten any real credits but that’s okay… I just needed to know this. I have no problem with someone not having credits but it does give me a baseline of information to start from.

So I email him back…

Yo (insert his name here),

Believe it or not, I am fairly knowledgeable about the film industry and the current trend… Are you sure you read the script though? Changing the female to a much younger male makes absolutely no sense unless of course you guys want to end up with a gay couple at the end of the film and if you do, thanks but no thanks.

But I do have a question… You mind me asking what YOUR connection is to (insert name of prodco here)?

(insert my name here)

Now before you think I have a problem with gay stories… I don’t. I just didn’t happen to write one and at this point after having not accepted multiple offers previously mentioned, why in the hell should I even consider this possibility now?

But he emails me  back right away…

(insert my name here),

No, we aren’t looking for that kind of change… We want the entire story to revolve around a twenty-something male. You’d have to rewrite a lot of it to make it work. Would you be willing to do that? The actor we have in mind is (insert name of actor here). You can find him on IMDB here: (insert IMDB link here).

(insert his name here)

So I look up the actor whose name sounded vaguely familiar in my mind but I couldn’t place him. Once I see him on IMDB, he’s even younger than what I thought he was going to look like. At this point I’m really starting to wonder if they read the fucking screenplay. I start to actually consider how I would rewrite it for this guy… Trust me, you’d all know him if you saw him. Apparently, somebody really wants to push this guy into the limelight as most of his parts have been supporting roles.

And then just as fast as I started to consider a rewrite I said, “FUCK YOU GUYS” out loud.

Why?

Because here is a fucking twenty-something producer with no credit and no fucking experience telling me the current trend of the film industry and wondering why a screenwriter isn’t chomping at the bit to make said changes. No offense to the twenty-somethings out there meant but don’t piss on my back and tell me it’s raining.

So I wrote him back…

(insert his name here),

I took at look at (insert name of actor here) on IMDB and I gotta tell ya… I don’t think we can do business. I would be happy to write an entirely new screenplay around this guy but I can’t support these kinds of changes to (insert name of screenplay here). Tell you what… You guys go make some movies that actually make some fucking money and then come back and talk to me.

Sincerely,

(insert my name here)

Naaah. He didn’t reply back. LOL. But the entire incident did make me fucking WONDER what the FUCK is going on in Hollywood.

Fuck it.

Pass the Top Ramen.

Unk

February 5, 2010 | Filed Under Rants, Screenwriting

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