Chasing the process
It occurred to me very recently that I’ve got an addiction.
An addiction to the PROCESS of screenwriting. I recently completed a rewrite and turned it in and now I’m sitting here WANTING MORE. This is a new feeling for me in that I’ve never been addicted to anything before. I’ve known people that were/are addicted to many things… LOL. Drugs, alchohol, sex… You name the vice — I probably know somebody addicted to it.
So I’m looking up the definition of addiction and here’s what I found…
- the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming, as narcotics, to such an extent that its cessation causes severe trauma.
- Compulsive physiological and psychological need for a habit-forming substance: a drug used in the treatment of heroin addiction.
- The condition of being habitually or compulsively occupied with or or involved in something.
- being abnormally tolerant to and dependent on something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming.
- an abnormally strong craving.
And of course, my favorite:
- A physical or psychological need for a habit-forming substance, such as a drug or alcohol. In physical addiction, the body adapts to the substance being used and gradually requires increased amounts to reproduce the effects originally produced by smaller doses.
Learning the actual definition of addiction then led me to another term: withdrawal
I had to dig a little more to find how it applies to me and THE PROCESS…
- Discontinuation of the use of an addictive substance.
- The physiological and mental readjustment that accompanies such discontinuation.
- Discontinuation of the use of an addictive substance. The symptoms of withdrawal include headache, diarrhea, and tremors and can range from mild to life threatening, depending on the extent of the body’s reliance on the addictive substance.
Whew… I’m wiping the sweat off my brow in thanks for not experiencing any diarrhea. I’m also not experiencing any headaches or tremors but I can plainly feel that I’m ANXIOUS.
Or am I?
- full of mental distress or uneasiness because of fear of danger or misfortune; greatly worried; solicitous.
- characterized by extreme uneasiness of mind or brooding fearabout some contingency.
- Earnestly desirous; as, anxious to please.
Now I’m confused… I feel anxious but I’m not feeling any distress or uneasiness. No fear of danger or misfortune. Not worried. No fear and one thing I can absolutely attest to — I’m not desirous.
Hmmm. Am I anxious to please? Maybe.
But who?
Today, the first time in a very long time, I’m MOTHERFUCKING FREE and it feels not unlike when I was FREE from another career I was involved in some ten years ago. Back then however, I was anxious because I had made a decision about what I was going to do for a living and from that decision, I was unsure where my next bowl of Top Ramen was coming from… LOL.
I can choose one of three story ideas for my next project and it’s that strange concept of actually having a “choice” that’s giving me the butterflies… In a perfect world, I’d like to work on all three at the same time but I attempted that at one point a few years ago and it just didn’t pan out for me. I’ve heard and read of other people doing it but I am after all — HUMAN. LOL. I am limited by my own strengths and WEAKNESSES of organization and focus so ONE concept it will have to be.
Ah… But which one? The one that pleases ME the most.
I guess instead of chasing the dragon, I’m chasing the process…
How do YOU deal with screenplay addiction?
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